Juggling two under two…and Easter Sunday

Today is Easter Sunday. A day that celebrates Jesus’ resurrection, his victory over death and our sins.
Just two months ago, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter. Ever since then, our lives had been taken by whirlwind, so very exhausting, emotionally and physically. This birth felt very different from the first a year and a half ago, it was less exciting and with more anxiety. We worried about who was going to take care our firstborn while in labor, the logistics of arranging for childcare, and how we can take care of them both. Therefore, when I met miss K, my heart was a tangled mess.
Then she turned out to be a very different baby from M. Very in need of warmth, and is very clingy. On top of that, a gassy, colicky baby. Needless to say, there are lots of crying on her part, and also lots of crying out of frustration on my part.
Big brother M has been doing relatively well, he welcomes the arrival of his little sister, but he is also entering the terrible two phase. He craves constant attention, whines and cries when things don’t go his way, and is constantly pushing our limits.
There are days that are so peaceful with smooth BF sessions, perfect nap times so I can focus my attention on each of them. Then there are days when everything is going wrong, both crying and screaming at me, and I scream back out of frustrations. No patience nor love left in my tank.
It is in those days of chaos I see how limited my love is for my children. I turn into a snappish person that yells at both of them, my heart full of bitterness and resentment, and then guilt. How can I feel this way toward my beautiful children gifted by God?

Humbly, I see the end of my humanly love. The best I can give is so very limited compared to God’s unending love. I need to love with His love and not rely on my own.

So today is Easter Sunday. Though I am not emotionally exuberant, I am very thankful for what Jesus has done for us. Conquering my humanness, my limitations, my bitterness and resentment, and my guilt. The end of me means the beginning of Him in me. I want to experience Jesus’ victorious life in me, in my family life and beyond. Today, I celebrate Jesus’ resurrection.
Thank you Jesus, for without you, there is no hope.

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